A Revised Biblical Political Fairy Tale from Exodus: Brought to you by SCARE

The following is brought to you by: The Southern Christian Association for Rewriting Exodus (SCARE). SCARE is working on rewriting the Bible and Christian values, including; limiting immigration to the United States, as in this new Biblical Fairy Tale.

Starting with Chapter 1 -   

8 Eventually, the new king Don came to power in the Swampland, he knew nothing about the history of the country and of royal politics. 9 He said to his people, “Look, the minority people of Swampland now outnumber good and righteous white people and they are stronger than we are

. 10 We must make a plan to keep them from growing even more. If we don’t, and if a major culture war breaks out, they will join the enemies and fight against us. We must keep fear in place and remove justice the country.* ”

11 So the righteous King and his Financial Genocide Cabinet worked to keep the Hispanics and other minorities their slaves. They appointed brutal slave drivers like good sheriff Joe over them,hoping to wear them down with crushing labor and unjust legal practices. They oppressed them and forced them into labor camps, made them wear pink underwear, and made them eat green meat. 12 But the more the new king Don and his good buddy sheriff Joe oppressed them, the more the minorities multiplied and spread, and the more alarmed the right wing religious conservatives became. 13 So the great white religious leaders Frankie and Gerri came to the King’s rallies and prayed. 14 They prayed that these minorities and other non-Christian religious groups would have bitter lives, and this would force them out of Swampland.  Frankie and Gerri had purchased the branding rights to Jesus Christ and made Jesus dye his hair blond and wear blue contacts to cover his dark eyes.  King Don worked to be ruthless with all his demands.

15 Then the king of Swampland, gave legal orders through his new health care edict. 16 “When you help the minority women as they give birth, watch as they deliver.* If the baby is a boy, kill him; if it is a girl, kill them too, we must keep cultural power.”  17 But because the medical profession took a oath and feared God, they refused to obey the king’s orders. They allowed the children to live.

18 So the king of Swampland called for all the midwives. “Why have you done this?” he demanded. “Why have you allowed these children to live?  I believe in the genocide of minorities.”  

19 “The minority women are not like the white women,” the midwives replied. “They are more vigorous and have their babies so quickly that we cannot get there in time.”

20 So God was good to the midwives, and the minorities continued to multiply, growing more and more powerful. 21 And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own. Likewise, the great white evangelical leaders ripped at their clothes in distress and called out to God, “Please God, keep us in power.”  

22 Then King Don gave this order to all his people: “Throw every newborn minority child into the Swampland River, also known in ancient times as the Potomac.”

Chapter 2 - The birth of Moses Martinez Don - the Royal Child:

About this time, a man and woman from of Mexico City got married. 2 The woman became pregnant and gave birth to a son in Swampland, he was known as a Dreamer. She saw that he was a special baby and kept him hidden for three months. 3 But when she could no longer hide him, she got a basket made of polyester and waterproofed it with tar and pitch. She put the baby in the basket and laid it among the grasses along the bank of the Swampland River. 4 The baby’s big sister then stood at a distance, watching to see what would happen to him.

5 Soon the Princess Royal (King Don’s daughter) came down to bathe in the river in Swampland, and her attendants walked along the riverbank. When the Princess Royal saw the basket among the reeds, she sent her maid to get it for her. 6 When the Princess opened it, she saw the baby. The little boy was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This must be one of the minority children,” she said. 7 Then the baby’s sister approached the Princess. “Should I go and find one of the Hispanic women to nurse the baby for you?” she asked. 8 “Yes, do!” the Princess replied. So the girl went and called the baby’s mother. 9 “Take this baby and nurse him for me,” the Princess told the baby’s mother. “I will pay you for your help.” So the woman took her baby home and nursed him, as it was one of the best political paying jobs in all of Swampland. 10 Later, when the boy was older, his mother brought him back to the Princess Royal at the Casino Palace, who adopted him as her own son. The Princess named him Moses Martinez Don,* for she explained, “I lifted him out of the water.” The Conclusion:  Mr. Martinez-Don grew up and became a great leader, causing the Swampland River to open wide, and the minorities walked through the river on dry ground, bringing these people out of prejudice and evil.  And they moved to the promised land where the minorities became the majority ruling over the land.  

The rewrite was inspired by the Southern Christian Association for Rewriting Exodus (SCARE) and notes were taken for this crazy rewrite by Tony Waller who is represented by Tony's Tonic Tones.